As a single person who is frighteningly close to 30, I get a *lot* of Christmas Letters each year, but almost never send one. I just haven't really figured out how to approach them, what to write--why to write it. So I went looking on the internet and discovered a dearth of "how-to-write-a-Christmas-letter" articles. I thought I could help.
How To Write a Christmas Letter:
Greeting: 1-2 paragraphs on how it’s Christmas. Assume we have NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS. Seriously. Just gush on and on about how quickly the year has gone by and blah blah blah about how each year is better than the next, then joke about Santa. Insert something here about how charming the weather is where you live, or how you can’t possibly believe that another WHOLE YEAR is just GONE! Vague sentences about how well “everyone” is doing (except Grandma who kicked the bucket in March, or The Challenging Teen whose goal in life seems to be to struggle) and how excited you are for next year are appropriate in this space! Details can include prizes, top grades, new cars. The works. Lie if you need too.
The Adorable Child(ren): This section is where we can all oooh and ahhhh over your child aged 3-10. Quotes are good, as are sweet parental notes about what a good singer, or listener, or etc. your child is. Favorite foods can be included. Notes sent home by the teacher about bullying behaviour should be avoided, but if you must address this try something like “Henri(etta) has developed a great ability to assert herself with other children!” When you are doing your family photograph do remember that blonde children are preferred.
The Challenging Teen: WE LOVE THEM SO MUCH DESPITE HOW HORRIBLE THEY ARE is basically the gist of this bit. You will brush over the hours you have spent screaming at your teenager, and ignore the pot you found in their bedroom and the watered down Whiskey you and your spouse have been sipping on the last few weeks to cope with the kidnapping of Elf on the Shelf which has traumatized The Adorable Child(ren) and made the Santa-lie harder to maintain. In this section your teenager, while still a teenager, is charming and really enjoys volunteering at that Animal Shelter! Even if it does happen to be court mandated community service.
The College Kid!: You are probably wiping a tear away as you tell us about another year on honors for your little adult (squee!!!!). Who knew a 19 year old could still gain an inch! And that mission to trip to Africa that just *changed* Eric(a)’s life forever. It’s Nobel Prize Material here, and Eric(a) will now be studying Ancient English Literature (switching from French Art) so that s/he can get a job working for an aid agency rocking orphaned children to sleep someday for a solid middle class income, travel benefits and health insurance. Add a note about some anticipated graduation date, and a suspected significant other. Remember you are SO looking forward to meeting the “special friend” of your young adult--and really, who cares if they swear they’re “just friends,” you know better.
Pets: Fido is probably technically younger than everyone besides The Adorable Child(ren), however as having accomplished a higher percentage of his life span, he can go last in the “children” section. In this space you can plug in a sentence or two about how lucky you are to still have your geriatric dog or cat. We all know he shits on the carpet, bit a neighbor kid and can’t keep food down. But what we really don’t know is how grey his adorable little whiskers are. Include that. If Fido is a fish, lie.
Spouse: If you are under 35, we all know (from last year) that a promotion has got to be on the way soon here! Mention how much fun (insert hobby here) is, and spin marital discord as “diverse interests.” If over 35 and employed refer to work as “stable and great” and if unemployed, refer to life as a an “adventure” and say spouse is “trying new things.” If divorced, make some sad attempt at a witty comment before slinking off to the watered down whiskey to feel lonely by yourself.
Self--If pregnant talk about how exciting baby bump is, and how much fun sleepless nights sometime in February are going to be. Joke jovially about the 15 pounds you have gained as a result of the pregnancy. Hahaha what a surprise! If not pregnant make a nice note about perfect family size being exactly the number of children you have. Refer to work as “fun” and family life/housework as “rewarding.” Avoid detail. Avoid mentioning the 15 pounds you have gained.
Travel: No matter where you went in the last twelve months it was AMAZING. Camping for 9 hours in the rain? Best trip of your life. An overnight in the Wal-Mart parking lot because Spouse forgot to change the oil in the minivan and it quit running en-route to the in-laws? As a family you have never felt so close. Migraine in Hawaii for four days with a screaming Adorable Child(ren) with The Challenging Teen gone missing? You have never been happier. Were you in Europe? You met the pope! Who has heard of The College Kid and would like to preemptively congratulate them on discovering poverty in Africa! What a trip!
Conclusion: And finally, wrap this puppy up with some trite quote about how blessed life can be and how much you are looking forward to school starting again so that your little darlings can go back to earning perfect marks far, far away from you for ⅔ of the day. Observe that each year is better than the last (don’t mention your aching back, pot belly and wrinkles) and make sure you scrawl something unintelligible in the corner of the paper so your 792 relatives and close friends know you thought about them specially.
And don’t forget to mention Jesus.
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